My name is Travis. I’d like to tell you what I learned about social status — how kids relate to other kids — during my middle school years. Maybe it will help you to understand what you see and experience in your school today.
When my Mom told me that we would be moving to San José, California, I sunk into a deep depression. I loved living in Fitchburg. I loved my school. I loved my friends. I didn’t want to leave Massachusetts. My Dad’s death was totally unexpected. He was only forty years old when he had a massive heart attack. Despite the efforts of an amazing medical team at UMass Memorial Hospital, he died within an hour. My Mom picked me up at St. Bernard’s, where I was a first-semester seventh grader. I didn’t know why she was picking me up from school in the middle of the day, but when we got to the car, she broke down crying and told me what had happened. Six weeks later, she told me that we were moving to San José, where her parents lived. We’d move in with them for awhile until, as my Mom put it, “we get our feet back on the ground.”
Mom enrolled me at Hamilton Middle School. It was just a few blocks from my grandparents’ home in West San José. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the move might not be so bad after all. There was a shopping mall within walking distance of our new home. A restaurant there called Smashburger had the best burgers, fries, and shakes I’d ever had. Across the street was another shopping center. There was a Chipotle restaurant there. I’d never had such a big burrito before. In fact, in Fitchburg, I don’t know that there were any Mexican restaurants at all. Across another street, there was a candy store. It wasn’t like any candy store I’d visited in Fitchburg. It was classy. They even gave me a free piece of candy just for walking in. I think See’s chocolate is the best candy I’ve ever tasted.
Yeah, so the depression didn’t last all that long. I like to eat, and I quickly learned that there were lots of good places to get a meal in San José. In Fitchburg, my favorite restaurant was Vito’s, which served Italian food. I didn’t think I’d ever find a place that could compare with it. Well, not far from Chipotle is another restaurant called Tomatina. I’m not sure that it’s any better than Vito’s, but it’s just as good. That’s where my grandparents took us the night we arrived from the east coast.
I guess Mom had told Grandpa that I was a bit apprehensive about moving out west, so he decided to have a surprise waiting for me when we arrived. When we got back to the house from having dinner at Tomatina, he handed me a wrapped box. I opened it. It was a t-shirt for my new school. It had the words “Hamilton Tigers” printed on the front. I liked it. At St. Bernard’s, I had to wear a uniform — the exact same thing every day. It consisted of a white polo shirt, embroidered with the letters “SB” on the left-front, and navy blue Docker-style pants. It wasn’t all that bad, just boring. At Hamilton, there was no uniform — only a dress code. It was pretty lenient, so I didn’t have a problem with it. Unlike St. Bernard’s, I could wear a t-shirt to school. I decided that on my first day at Hamilton, I’d wear my new shirt. Big mistake.
“Dude, what’s with the dorky shirt?” a kid asked me as I strolled onto campus for my first day of classes. It was late-March, but the weather in San José, unlike Fitchburg, was Spring-like. I was wearing the Hamilton t-shirt with black shorts. I thought it looked okay, but I quickly realized that no one else — not even one other student — wore any article of clothing associated with the school. In Fitchburg, it was quite common to see kids, and even some parents, walking around town with Longsjo Middle School t-shirts, sweatshirts, and jackets. I never wore that Hamilton shirt to school again.
In all, kids at the school were pretty cool. Like most middle schools, I guess, there were cliques at Hamilton. In fact, I guess you could even say they had a “caste system,” like they have in India. After seeing how students interact with each other, I realized that the middle school caste system has five levels, though one of the levels has two parts. Let me explain. It’s sort of complicated.
The top tier, a relatively small group, consists of the true leaders in the school. These are the kids who are highly respected by their peers. Sometimes they don’t even realize how highly respected they are, because popularity isn’t that important to them. They appreciate their friends, and they realize that they are well-accepted by their classmates, but they often don’t recognize themselves as leaders, nor do they always fully understand the influence they have on their classmates. Sometimes, kids in this top tier might be involved in student government, serving in elected leadership roles in the school, but not always. These kids have a lot of influence, though. Without being bossy, or trying to force their ways on anyone else, what they say goes, just because of who they are.
It’s kind of interesting, but kids cannot place themselves in the top tier. Those who try to do so won’t find themselves there. Students are put in the top tier by other kids — those who recognize that there is something special about these gifted individuals. I was thinking about this one day and realized that there are certain qualities or characteristics which these top-tier students most often possess. They may not have all of them, but they pretty much have to have most of them to be considered a part of this highly-respected group. Coincidentally, the qualities all begin with the letter “A” — and there are twelve of them, or perhaps thirteen, in all. I’ll explain them in no particular order, because I don’t think the order really matters.
The first quality is academic success. Kids who find themselves at the top of the social ladder usually get good grades. They may not be the smartest kids in the class, but they tend to be conscientious students and generally do well academically. The second quality is athletic ability. Again, they don’t have to be superstars on their teams, but those identified by their classmates as true leaders are usually involved in athletics. The third quality is that they are articulate. These students are not afraid to share their opinions in class discussions, although they always do so tactfully and respectfully. These kids are also not afraid to call out another classmate who might be picking on one of the weaker students. Because of their status among their peers, they can get away with doing this.
The fourth quality of those in the top tier of the social structure is that they tend to be amicable. They get along well with others. They’re basically friendly and kind to everyone. They don’t pick on weaker students, and rarely do they participate in gossip of any kind. The fifth quality is gratitude. They are appreciative of their giftedness. They are aware of and grateful for the people, things, opportunities, and experiences they have in their life. The sixth quality of true leaders is approachability. Others feel comfortable talking with them, or going to them for help with something. They never make people feel stupid or unwelcome in any situation.
The seventh quality these kids have is assertiveness. This is very different from aggressiveness. Those who are assertive have the ability to stand up for themselves and others with conviction. They have a confidence in themselves which they are able to convey in a respectful, non-threatening way. No one would mistake them for being weak. The eighth quality of these leaders is that they are ambitious. They don’t wait for things to happen. They don’t sit back and just hope that success comes their way. They go out and get it. They’re not afraid to work hard to achieve their goals. The ninth quality of top-tier students is that they are authentic. They don’t try to be anyone other than who they truly are. So many middle school kids put on masks, trying to be someone or something that they’re not. These true leaders don’t have the need to do this.
There are three more qualities which often describe kids in this top group in the caste system. Top-tier students tend to be physically attractive. They’re not good-looking because of the labels on the clothes they wear, how they style their hair, or how they put on make-up. Some middle school kids go to great lengths to try to look good. True leaders don’t have to do this. Without any effort, there is just something about them, an aura, perhaps, which makes them attractive to others. It’s hard to explain. The eleventh quality on my list is that these kids tend to be accommodating. They may have a specific way they’d like to do something, but they are amazingly flexible when it comes to working with others. They might have an idea for a group project, but they won’t force their idea on the group. They know how to work as a team, to negotiate, and they’ll gladly take a back-seat to another student when it comes to decision-making on a project. Whether the group chooses their idea or not, they will work tirelessly to ensure the success of the group. Finally, these top-tier students are altruistic. They are consistently and unselfishly concerned for the welfare of others.
There is one other trait, which I hesitate to mention. This trait might be the least important of all the traits I’ve talked about, but it is often an accurate descriptor of kids in the top tier. Not always, but more often than not, these kids are affluent. In other words, their families tend to be financially well-off. I mention this only because their affluence provides them with the opportunity to participate in activities with other students, regardless of the cost. Affluence can be a tremendous social advantage.
The bottom tier is just the opposite. These are the kids who are picked on. The social outcasts. The untouchables. These are the kids who sit alone at lunch, or, if they’re not alone, they’re with other students from this same social tier. These are the kids who cringe when the P.E. teacher says, “Okay, let’s choose-up teams for a little softball today,” knowing that they will be the last chosen. Or, in the classroom, when a teacher announces, “Okay, break up into groups of five,” these are the kids who just sit there in silence, knowing they’re not going to be selected by their classmates. Instead, the teacher may end up assigning them to a team or group, just so that everyone is involved in the activity. These kids, who may lack effective communication or social skills, may also lack many of the qualities identified with those in the top tier.
Not surprisingly, the largest of the five groups of the social caste system is the middle class — the commoners. These are the kids who just exist day to day. They’re not the leaders, but they’re not marginalized. They’re not considered to be popular, but they’re also not treated as outcasts. They participate in school and classroom activities to the extent that they choose. They come and go each day without any major disturbances to their routine. Most kids, about 60% of all students, fit into this middle group.
Between the middle group and the bottom tier is another group, larger than the bottom tier, but significantly smaller than the middle class. These kids, for the most part, are not actively picked on or excluded, at least not to the extent experienced by those in the lowest tier, but there’s something different about these kids which makes it clear to everyone, including themselves, that they just don’t fit in. Again, a lack of self-confidence, ineffective social skills, or a lack of some of the top-tier qualities might contribute to a student landing in this group. The two bottom tiers together comprise about 20% of the students.
Finally, there’s the group between the middle class and the top-tier. I mention this group last because it’s a complicated group. I think there are actually two sub-groups within this one level of the middle school caste system. One sub-group, which I would describe as a positive group, are those who exhibit many, or even most, of the characteristics one would associate with the top-tier, yet, for whatever reason, have not achieved that level of status or recognition. These tend to be good kids who, for the most part, are good to other kids. The other sub-group, however, can be very dangerous. I would describe these students as “the wanna-be’s.” These are the kids who think they are, or wish they were, in the top tier, but they’re not, and they never will be. These kids tend to think of themselves as better than everyone else. They resent those in the top tier, but they can never express that resentment, because it would make them look bad. Instead, they simply act as if they are a part of that elite group of leaders, even though they know they’re not. This group of students tends to be the meanest in the class. These are the students most likely to do the bullying, in a futile attempt to raise their status among their classmates. These two sub-groups, along with the top tier students, comprise about 20% of the student population.
It didn’t take long for me to recognize that the student who challenged my choice of attire on my first day on campus at Hamilton was one of the wanna-be’s. I’m pretty sure he knew I was the new kid on campus, and he used his question as a vain attempt to enhance his status. My decision to ignore him, pretending that I had not heard his question, was probably the best possible response. He never bothered me again. I also learned that Hamilton students don’t sport the attire of their school, and that’s okay, too.
Like most kids, it didn’t take long for me to understand where I found myself in this middle school caste system. I was dead-center in the middle. I made friends with some kids, but not all. To the best of my knowledge, no one hated me. I was never picked-on, nor did I pick on anyone else, and I was included in most situations. I soon identified the top-tier kids in the school, and it was clear to me why those kids had been given such an honor by their fellow students. I also recognized which students had ended up at the bottom of the caste system, and I felt bad for them. While I never went out of my way to make friends with any of them, I also never participated in the social cruelty perpetuated against them.
I remember well one of the lessons I learned at St. Bernard’s in Fitchburg. My fifth grade teacher was a nun — Sister Theresa Marie. She was young, intelligent, and friendly, and she related extremely well with her students. One day, she came into the classroom after lunch and was clearly upset. Something had happened during lunch. I never knew the specific details, but I do know that the situation involved some of my classmates picking on one of the more vulnerable kids in our class. After telling us, in no uncertain terms, that bullying would not be tolerated at St. Bernard’s, she ended with a quote for us to consider: “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”
I didn’t understand the quote at the time, but I’ve never forgotten it. Now that I’m a little older, and, perhaps, a bit wiser, those words are powerful for me.
© 2017
